Would cutting your fingernails at night really invite ghosts and evil spirits into your house?
Who knows? Yes or no (or maybe), author Kopi Soh's Looking After The Ashes is still a treat
“If you eat while lying down, you’ll turn into a snake.”
“If you don’t polish off all the rice on your plate, you’ll marry a man full of pimples and pockmarks.”
“If you point at the moon, your ears will get chopped off.”
Do any of these statements sound familiar? You might have heard something similar when you were a kid.
They’re actually snippets from Kopi Soh’s Looking After The Ashes, which was published last year. A semi-biographical work of fiction, the book relays some of Kopi’s experiences and childhood stories about the folklore, old wives’ tales, superstitions and supernatural beliefs passed down to her by her family.
I’ve encountered variations of these stories as a kid and as an adult, but never from my parents or relatives. I can remember reading about the Loch Ness Monster, myths and murder mysteries as a child, but that’s about it.
Which makes Kopi’s perspective all the more interesting. But there’s more to it than that.
First off, the US-based Malaysian author and illustrator was raised in a Taoist Peranakan household, and it’s an important element in Looking After The Ashes.
“Food was monumental in our family. It seemed like almost every event (a celebration, death, or prayers to deities or ancestors) revolved around serving food,” she recalls.
“There was also a certain way that it had to be prepared to ensure its authenticity and quality. The presentation was important, from the type of dinnerware (like batik-patterned plates and bowls) to the shapes of the vegetables (e.g. carrots were often cut into the shape of a flower).”
And there were parts in the book that hit close to home as she was writing it, and finally reading it on print:
#1 Her father
“The first part that hit closest to home surrounds my father’s adoption, and how it affected him his entire life,” Kopi explains.
“It wasn’t so much the stories, but rather writing it brings back memories of him. I was very close to my dad and he was my pillar in life.”
#2 Women’s traditional roles
“The second part was how as girls we were ‘groomed’ to think that our sole purpose in life was to be filial daughters, devoted mothers and obedient wives.”
#3 Re-evaluating the past
“The third was my treatment of a young servant girl, although I had changed the characters in the book,” Kopi says.
“I was only a kid and didn’t know any better, but I still regretted my actions. I wish there was some way I could say I’m sorry to her.”
They help us get a deeper understanding and appreciation of the stories, where Kopi is coming from, and how it’s contributed to who she is now.
Because did you know that she’s also the founder of the Facebook community “Kopi Soh’s Positive Healing Doodles” (formerly “Stick It To Me”), which produces uplifting art pieces for the sick and needy? This initiative won the Digi WWWOW Awards in their Social Movement category in 2015. Or that her work revolves around training, teaching and helping people who have gone through traumatic situations? And that she’s also pursuing her doctorate, with her thesis centering on the effects of social media use, online social support, and attitudes on ageing and “Flourishing in Older Malaysian Women”? (More on all of that later.)
Back to the old wives’ tales, superstitions and supernatural stories
Because they’re fun to read and hear, especially from another person’s point of view. They made an impression on Kopi, and they certainly made an impression on her readers. And why wouldn’t it? It’s all very intriguing.
And yet Kopi looks at things wisely, even realistically. What is it about old wives’ tales, superstitions and supernatural stories that resonate with her the most?
• Looking back, as a kid
“I really don’t know if it ‘resonates’ with me, as it was just part and parcel of growing up and everyday life. I never truly questioned it,” she observes. “Back in those days, I think kids tend to ‘just believe’ everything that adults tell them.”
• Even now, as an adult
“As an adult, it sort of became like ‘Why tempt fate?’ or it’s just common sense to not do a certain behaviour. For example, the ‘Do not cut your fingernails at night because that would invite ghosts and evil spirits into your house’ superstition – whether or not it truly does bring ghosts, it is generally not advisable to cut nails at night because we can’t see that well and we might accidentally cut ourselves.”
And what does this family “tradition” – that of the elders imparting such “words of wisdom” to the young ones – tell her or made her realise about:
• Herself
“Most are invented as a way of just getting someone else to follow what you want them to do (for their own good or otherwise). Kinda like karma, heaven, hell, reincarnation or the existence of god/s, you can’t prove or disprove it,” she says.
“However, for me personally, if you tell me that I will be visited by ghosts in my dreams if I don’t wash my feet at night before bed, would I believe it? Not really, but will I wash my feet to prevent it? Heck, yeah.”
• Her family and family dynamics
“I think it makes managing a huge household much easier,” she muses. “No need for long explanations of why something needs to be done a certain way. Everyone just follows.
“It also establishes hierarchy, regardless of how ridiculous a superstition may be. Whatever your elder tells you, you just have to follow in order to not get punished.”
• Her culture and traditions
“I think this ‘imparting words of wisdom’ is in line with Chinese philosophical beliefs (e.g. Confucius), whereby the elderly are respected and revered. It places importance on obedience and devotion to people who are older than us, too.”
• The concepts of good and evil, how she sees and interacts with the world, and even her imagination
“I may be naïve, but I deeply believe that the purer one is the more you will attract evil beings because they yearn to be near goodness. Which is why some Buddhist chants (Great Compassion Mantra) are meant to call upon ghosts and lost spirits, so that they can feel a sense of peacefulness just for that moment. We do good and send the merits we derive to those who need it.
“All of the above cannot be proven, of course. Nevertheless, I feel there is no harm in sending good thoughts out to all beings. When I write, I do sometimes open myself up so I can hear them speak. That way I am able to hear their cries, feel their emotions, and in turn tell their stories on their behalf.”
So take them all in stride, or with a grain of salt
They’re stories, after all, and they make life richer.
In fact, oftentimes real-life stories can be even more appealing. Kopi has a lot more to tell, and this time it’s about the meaningful work she’s been doing.
Like we mentioned earlier, Kopi wears many hats – she’s an author (she published two other books before Looking After The Ashes), a counsellor, an artist and a life-long learner. How do these roles influence one or the other?
“Basically, all of the above stem from one thing – the desire to make this world a better place, and to make people feel less alone,” she admits.
• There’s Kopi as a counsellor and author
“Being a counsellor is pretty much self-explanatory, I suppose. I’ve always had this drive to help people. Being an author was also driven by the same drive; my first book, Oh, I Thought I Was The Only One, was written after the suicide of a friend’s son. It was an attempt to create awareness in Malaysians about the existence of mental health problems such as depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety, postpartum depression, etc.
“The second book, Oh… I Thought I Was The Only One 2, was also written when I read about students committing suicide because of failing an exam or getting a bad grade. It helps kids navigate stressors in their daily lives (being bullied, anger management, jealousy, parental divorce, grief).”
• Kopi as an artist
“My art came about later on in life. I have never been able to draw before, so I taught myself via YouTube and other sites like DeviantArt. I decided to start drawing because I was starting to burn out doing actual counselling. I felt I could not continue seeing clients, but I still wanted to continue to help make things better for those who needed it – so I thought of healing artwork,” she says.
“I offered to draw free art to those who were going through a hard time (depression, grief, children with terminal illness, caregivers who were burnt out). That initiative took off, and more and more requests from all over the world poured in. I drew relentlessly, and then decided perhaps that there were also other artists who might want to donate their artwork for this purpose.”
• Kopi as a student
“As for my life-long learning, I feel that I can still give back through my research, especially in creating awareness in older Asian women that their purpose in life does not have to be confined to their roles as mothers, wives or daughters,” she states.
“In 2022, I see myself devoting much of my time to my doctoral thesis, and being there and holding space for the people who are important in my life.”
After Looking After The Ashes
Speaking of 2022, we just ushered in a new year – and I can think of a few people who’d love to receive Kopi’s book, even after the holiday gift-giving season is already over. (There doesn’t have to be a special occasion for gifts.) I think it would also encourage them to use Kopi’s stories and experiences as inspiration to look back, write their own, and learn from them.
Looking After the Ashes proves it’s a potent formula for an enjoyable read. Do you have any childhood stories to share? They don’t necessarily have to be semi-biographical fiction, and they don’t have to follow strict rules. But if there’s one thing to keep in mind…
“I don’t want to tell people how they should see themselves, as I have no idea what their situation is,” Kopi answers, when asked how she’d also like other people to see themselves this new year. “I feel it’s easy and completely meaningless to tell people clichés like ‘Be grateful’, ‘Live in the now’, ‘Don’t worry, be happy’ or ‘Everything will be okay’. Toxic positivity is so wrong.
“The best I can say is be you,” she continues. “I don’t think anyone can say you’re doing it wrong.”
I agree. I happen to think this is one of the underlying messages in Looking After the Ashes too. See? There’s more to pick up from Kopi and the book.
Find Kopi on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Looking After The Ashes is available at Amazon, Book Depository and more.